Rude Service

I wrote this story during the time in my life when I worked at a fairly prominent resort hotel.  Most of the things that happen in here are true, with the names being changed to protect the (not so) innocent.  Sometimes ignorance is bliss, and when it comes to food service, that's pretty much a given.  So without further adieu, I present  a short one-act play based on my experiences in the food and beverage industry entitled "Rude Service".  Enjoy.

   

Setting:  Room service department of a major hotel.   

Characters

Troy:  An incorrigible young man who hasn’t got a clue.  Somehow, no matter how dimwitted his actions, he almost always remains unscathed.  The same cannot be said for those in his immediate vicinity, however.

Dane:  A bit of a square, Dane is always looking out for his friends.  Dane is a hard worker, and believes in people.  It is common to find his naiveté landing him in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Paul:  A strange guy, with few friends.  Paul always seems to make comments that annoy others, but he seems oblivious.  Often comes off as “holier than thou”.

Yolanda:  The manager on duty, she is rather lazy, and commands little respect.  Flirting with employees further depreciates her, as she demonstrates her low self-esteem.  Has a crush on Dane, though it is not returned.

Troy:  (walks in, removing signed check from booklet, and placing it in a bin)  Oh man, this is un-kosher.

Dane:  What’s that?

Troy:  This guest…  what an asshole. 

Dane:  No tip then, I take it.

Troy:  Ah hell no, bro- not one penny.  I should have given him the shitty-shit on this order.

Paul picks up his tray, heading off stage.

Paul:  Yeah, it’s not like there’s already a twenty-percent gratuity that the guest pays us.

Paul exits.

Dane:  (turning to Troy)  I suppose that’s true, but then again, I find I make my real money of the night through the extra tips- $5 here and there for going that extra mile.

Troy:  No way, man: this guy was a shady character, he wouldn’t even let me in the room.  (indignantly) That’s not right.

Dane:  If they don’t let you in the room, you’re usually SOL when it comes to getting an extra tip.  Those kinds of people just want the food, not your service, and they do things on the cheap. 

Troy:  (looking through Dane’s tickets and nodding)  Yeah.

Troy fumbles through Dane’s stack of tickets, until he notices one in particular, and removes it to examine it more closely.

Troy:  No way man, you got a $25 tip on that big order you took?!  Dammit, I haven’t gotten one tip tonight.  Not one!  All my guests are assholes.

Dane:  I don’t know about that, mine have all been pretty good to me so far.  Everyone has their day, maybe today just isn’t yours.

Troy:  (completely ignoring Dane’s positive message)  I think it’s time to make it my day, bro.  Muy Bananas for me!

Dane:  What are you talking about?  “Bananas”?

Troy:  Yeah, bananas!  I kept both copies of the receipt, so this guest will never know.  He seemed like he was probably stupid anyway…  I’m going to give myself an extra ten bananas, otherwise this order isn’t worth it, man.

Dane:  You know that comes out of the guest’s pocket, right?  If you add an extra tip to the guest’s check, and the hotel finds out, they’re going to fire you on the spot.

Troy:  Don’t worry bro, I got it covered.  (showing Dane the guest’s check)  See, I wrote in the $10 right there- (with pride) it even kind of looks like the guy’s handwriting.

Dane:  And what if he notices when he checks out?  Suddenly the room service bill is more than he expected and he complains; they’re going to talk to the server that delivered the order (YOU!) and then you’re going to be toast.

Troy:  I don’t think that’ll ever happen.  I’ve been working here for three months now, man:  it’s the beginner’s mistake to start adding extra at the start.  You have to wait until you’ve been here awhile.  Yeah, wait ‘till the waters calm down, bro.  Then they never suspect a thing- it’s almost like a science.

Dane:  Right…

Troy:  (looking towards the back of the room at the refrigerator)  Hmm, I’m starting to get thirsty.  The tank’s running low- that’s no bueno, man.  Time to refuel.

Dane:  Dude, you know I think you’re funny, so I put up with a lot, but if management catches you doing even half the stuff that you’ve gotten away with so far, it’ll be not only your ass getting canned, but everyone who knows what you do down here as well.

Troy:  You’re being paranoid.  Life’s about chillin’, man.  People that go to school are wasting their lives:  they don’t know what they’re missing.

Dane:  (looking around, taken aback)  What, you mean like me?!  Jeez, what are you on today; you’ve finally stopped making sense.  I’m surprised that no guests have said anything about you yet.

Troy:  No way, dude, I’m a professional!  If you transplanted my blood, you could fuel ten Irish guys for a month.

Dane:  The hell are you talking about?  You need to change your engine so that it runs off of H2O, like everyone else.  I don’t know how you can even stand up at this point.

Troy:  Yeah, if you drank half of what I did, you’d be in the hospital getting your stomach pumped.  It’s ‘cause I know what I’m doing-  I told you, I’m a pro.

Dane:  (sighs)  I’m going to get something to eat.  Enjoy your happy hour.

Dane walks off stage.

Troy:  (rubs hands together eagerly)  Mmm, time to take the edge off!

Troy walks back to the refrigerator and helps himself to a beer.

Troy:  All right, Corona! 

Paul walks onstage holding his ticket.

Paul:  Thirsty, my friend?

Troy turns, startled.

Troy:  Oh man, I thought you were the general manager!  (pouring the beer into a plastic cup) Don’t scare me…

Paul:  (watching Troy drink the entire beverage in one gulp)  Are you hungry?  You can always steal something delicious to go with that.

Troy: (smacking his lips in delight)  No, I’m okay right now.  I’m going “freezer fishing” later.

Paul:  Oh right, catch of the day.

Troy:  You don’t know what you’re missing, Paul.  Being a vegetarian must be tough!

Paul:  I get by.

Troy:  Yeah, but look how skinny you are!  I mean, I’ve gained like… (thinking) Yeah, I think like twenty-pounds since I started here.  My girlfriend keeps telling me I’m getting fat, but she’s just dumb anyway.

Paul:  (Laughs) Do you tell her that?

Troy:  Hell yeah dude (taking a sip of beer), all the time!  She needs to be kept in her place.  If she was left alone, she’d be running wild, man. 

Paul:  Must be a nice relationship.

Troy:  Not really…  We’ve been together for three years now- all the romance is gone.  We just do “it” as an obulation.

Paul:  You mean “obligation”?  I don’t know what “obulation” is.

Troy:  (cheerful) Oh sorry man, you know I didn’t go to school.  I got my education from real-life, like this (holds up his cup, and takes another swig of beer).

 Paul:  Class is in session.  You get an A+ for effort.

Troy finishes the beer, and holds up the empty cup.

Troy:  Only the best for me!

Dane enters the stage once more.

Troy:  Oh Dane, do you think you could order a “Pini-Coladi” for me from the bar?

Dane:  Look man, I don’t feel like getting fired today.  Maybe tomorrow, but not today.

Troy:  It’s cool dude, I understand.  Hey, Paul…

Paul:  You’re on your own.

Troy:  Okay, but then will you at least ask the cook to make me a “fillet mig-nog”?  I can’t understand what he’s saying.  He’s all like, “mmm-bop, mmm-bop, mmm-bop.  Mi…  water.  Mi no comprende.”

Dane:  I don’t know whether to laugh, or be completely offended by that…

Paul:  Maybe you should learn Spanish.  Then your problems would be solved.

Troy:  But that’s a lot of work.  I’m hungry now, not in fifty years.  They’ll be spaceships flying around by the time I could tell it to that guy like it is.  His job is to serve me.

Paul:  I thought you weren’t hungry a second ago?

Troy:  That was then…  I need to feed, bro.

Paul:  (to Dane)  Yeah, the munchies are setting in.

Troy:  Exactly!  Man Paul, you‘ve done this before!

Paul turns and walks off stage, shaking his head.

Dane reaches into a basket and pulls out a bag of bagels.

Dane:  Here Troy, have a bagel.  It’ll sponge some of that “lubricant” of your’s, and hopefully help both of us keep our jobs.

Troy:  Nah, I think it’s time to eat some lobster- I’m too good for bagels.

Dane:  What’s wrong with a bagel?  You eat this, everybody wins.  It sops up the juice churning around in your gut, and management doesn’t fret over losing another surf ‘n turf to your sticky fingers.

Troy:  Oh yeah, but they don’t know it’s me.  They probably think it’s Paul.

Dane:  Paul, the vegetarian…  Dammit Troy, LISTEN TO YOURSELF!  You’re going to self-destruct, and I don‘t want to be around to see it.

Troy:  Woah, take it easy!  You’re just jealous…  I’ve got life all figured out.

Suddenly, a ticket begins printing, and an order comes in.

Dane:  Finally, an order!

Troy:  All right, bro.  You take your order, I gotta’ go fishing.

Troy walks out, and Yolanda enters.

Yolanda:  Hi Dane, did you notice my sweater today?

Dane:  (sighs to himself in disgust)  Yeah, it goes with your…  hair.

Yolanda becomes excited by the attention from Dane, and pulls open her shirt.

Yolanda:  I think I have a bug-bite, not that you’d care.  Oh hey, don’t be looking at my boobs.

Dane:  Did you try calamine lotion?  I had a bite like that once, and it totally got rid of it.

Yolanda:  Yeah…  So hey, what are you doing tonight, any girls?

Dane:  Nope, I have me all to myself.

Yolanda:  Ewww!  That’s more than I wanted to know.

Dane:  Sorry, I‘ll keep that private from now on.

Yolanda:  No, no, you don’t have to, I was just kidding.  (looking around)  Hey, where are your room service buddies, Paul and Troy?

Dane:  Paul is probably in the cafeteria or walking the floors, and Troy…  Well, who knows with that guy.  He doesn’t adhere to the primitive standards of decency set by this hotel.  My guess?  He got lost taking an order.

Yolanda:  Yeah, right!  When you see him, tell him he was supposed to go home over an hour ago!  I’m tired of him staying on the clock just to get overtime when it’s this slow.  There’s no excuse for it.

Dane:  No, there really isn’t…

Troy enters

Troy:  Oh man, Dane, look at how big this one is!

Yolanda:  (looking wide-eyed at the two lobster tails in Troy’s hands)  What are you doing with those?! 

Troy:  Ummmm…  Ummmm…  It’s for…  an amenity.  Right?

Dane:  Yeah, for those VIPs in 4012.

Yolanda:  Where’s the form?

Troy:  Dammit, there’s no time for that!  This has to get up there right away, or the guest is going to sue the hotel.

Yolanda:  Sue?!

Dane:  Well, complain anyway…

Troy:  Hurry and get me a plate, or it’ll never make it in time!

Yolanda sets up a table, and Troy places sets the lobster tails on a plate.

Troy:  Beautiful!

Yolanda:  Take this up right now, and be on your best behavior.

Troy:  Don’t worry, I got this covered.  All you need to do is relax, and I’ll take care of everything.

Yolanda:  That’s what I’m afraid of.

Troy:  Let’s do it!

Troy walks off stage pushing the rolling table.

Yolanda:  Dane, make sure Troy isn’t drinking on the job.  If I catch him, he’s out of here.

Dane:  I’m sure he’ll be fine.  It’s not like he gets hammered here everyday, and then barely stumbles home before he passes out.

Yolanda looks suspiciously at Dane.

Dane:  I said it’s NOT like that.

Yolanda:  I’m serious.  No drinking on the job.

Yolanda leaves.

Dane:  I swear, that idiot is going to cost me my job!

Just then, Troy stumbles back in, a large grin on his face.

Dane:  Back already?

Troy:  Yeah, I had to wait until that bus left.  What a bitch, man!  She’s trying to get me fired!

Troy pushes the table to the back, pulling up a chair, and taking a bottle of hard alcohol out of the cabinet.

Dane:  You were so lucky this time.  I swear, one of these days you’re going to get caught.

Troy:  No way, this is the best job I’ve ever had, man!  Seriously, I feel like I went to college and got a degree for this.  (popping off the top of the bottle)  Ah, room service!

Troy begins drinking the alcohol directly from the bottle.

Dane:  Slow down, you’re going to pass out!

Troy:  I don’t feel anything.  Oh well, time to eat my lobster dinner!

Troy picks up his knife and fork, but almost immediately falls face first into his meal.

Dane:  (staring in disbelief)  Jesus!  You idiot, couldn’t you just wait until you went home?!  Now I’m dead meat too!  (hitting Troy furiously)  Fuck you!

Dane ceases his assault on Troy’s unmoving body.

Dane:  Jeez…  oh jeez…  dammit!  Okay, okay, think.  (looking at Troy)  I’ve got it!  I’ll put you in a room for tonight, and then nobody will ever know about this.

Dane quickly runs to the end of the stage, making sure no one is coming.

Dane:  Okay, coast is clear!  (runs back over to Troy, and props him on his shoulder)  Let’s get you out of here!

Yolanda enters quickly and unexpectedly.

Yolanda:  Dane, where is the…  What the?!

Dane:  Wait, I can explain!  You see…

Yolanda:  No, don’t even start!  You’re both fired.  I warned you about this- grab your things, and leave.  I’m very disappointed in you, Dane.

Dane:  Great…  guess I won’t be needing this anymore.

Dane tosses Troy on the ground, and angrily walks off stage.  Yolanda follows.

Troy:  (coming to)  Oh man…  I think it’s time to go home.  Well, one for the road. 

Troy sits down at the table with the lobster dinner and bottle of alcohol, and takes a swig.

Troy:  Oh man, this is living!     

*  Curtain falls