Here's a short, (very) personal essay I wrote not that long ago. From the deepest depths of despair, a new light will begin to shine, and lead you down a road you never expected. Be open to all things- this is the essence of the Plastic Experience.
Recently I discovered a power so great, I wondered why it is
not being readily taught in public schools.
I may go so far as to say it is the power of kings. Oh, it’s available to you, if you want it
badly enough, and it’s not even really that difficult to attain once you know
what to do. So what is this power of
which I speak? To sum it up in one
word: confidence.
It is a common mistake to assume the
world operates as you operate. To put
one’s values and expectations on another, and then stand in bewilderment as
that person does something completely unexpected. In my instance, I believed everyone really
wanted to be a nice person, and do the right thing. In this naïve state, I considered the needs
of everyone around me, and did my best not to offend. For some reason, this would attract the
attention of those that would try to dominate and humiliate me. Why?
What I was doing was thinking of them, and yet they punished me for
this? As it turns out, the message I was
sending out was “everyone else is more important than I am”, though it would
not be until years later that I came to this conclusion.
People will shove you, push you, and
step on you to get what they want, and when they’re done, throw you away like a
piece of garbage. And believe me, you
will feel this way when they do it too- absolutely. If you follow the ideals I’ve been talking about,
you are most likely no stranger to days of incredible self-hatred and
sadness. You will feel like a complete
loser, not worth even 1/10th of other people. But this is where I can help.
Life rewards confidence. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good person or
a bad person, life will not punish you for either. How many people can you name off the top of
your head that are in positions of power, but are complete scumbags? I bet you don’t have enough fingers on either
of your hands to count them all. But one
thing I’m sure you will recognize if it’s pointed out, all of these people have
one thing in common- confidence. That’s
right, they are confident, and didn’t worry about the desires of others who
were in their way to getting to the top.
They merely saw what they wanted and took it. Some may have had an easier time than others,
some struggled at every turn, but they never gave in. Curse these people if you want, but I very
much doubt if anyone told you how to attain the power that they have, you would
turn down the chance to listen.
Not so long ago, my world came
crashing down. I lost my job, had nobody
in my life, and things seemed pretty bleak.
I felt worthless- no job, no money, no people to support me, this was
the lowest I could go (or so I thought).
My voice was weak, my shoulders tense, my posture hunched. I couldn’t even look people in the eyes, and
leaving the house was becoming harder and harder every day.
I began to try affirmations in the mirror, and smiling at
myself. “You’re good enough, you can do
it, people like you” (you get the idea).
But none of it worked… I just
didn’t believe any of what I was saying, as I’m sure most who lie to themselves
don’t. The truth was, if you’ll pardon
my language, I felt like a piece of shit.
This cycle continued until a few weeks later, when I saw the
guy who had pretended to be my friend at my previous job, but in reality was
absolutely walking all over me for being a nice guy. Apparently he had said some not so nice
things about me that affected management’s decision to terminate my employment. In anger, I told him “you know what, you’re a
piece of shit!” To my utter amazement,
he simply responded “yes, I am”. In that
moment, there was nothing I could say… I
had given him the worst insult possible, and by his acceptance of it, I had
nowhere to go. All I could respond was
“yeah, well so am I”. It was in this
instant that I realized something amazing.
When I got home, I looked at myself in the mirror. This time, I didn’t tell myself how good I
was, this time I simply said “I’m a piece of shit”. And it worked! In my core, I believed terrible things about
myself, but by embracing them, and having that shameless attitude, I realized I
had the power to do anything. It was
then that I realized I was driving a Ferrari, not a Fiat.
Anytime your core values differ from how your life is playing
out, you will experience a sense of dissatisfaction. I call this the “I am” vs. the “I
should”. The “I am” is the image you
hold of yourself- this is what you really believe about yourself. The “I should” is where you believe you’re
supposed to be. This is not to say it is
bad to have dreams and desires: hardly,
everyone needs those to push them ahead.
It is to say that your inner voice will always cry foul on you when you
try to cheat it. The beliefs you hold of
yourself are something you cannot fight.
These are things that you must be absolutely shameless about and accept. No human is capable of denying them,
struggling against your ideals is like swimming against the current of the
ocean. Not only is it impossible, but it
will give you a panicked feeling, and you are guaranteed to lose your self-confidence. People can and will challenge you if you do
not balance the “I am” and “I should”.
Maybe you feel bad because your friends got into a much
better school than you. Maybe someone or
even a group of people looked down on you and laughed. But you know what? You’re a piece of shit! Who cares?!
You now have total permission from yourself to do what you need to do,
and step on someone else’s toes if you have to.
Chances are, you’re probably a really good person- you just need the
permission to get your hands dirty. When
I say this phrase to myself, it completely eliminates the need to be perfect,
and the need to anticipate other’s thoughts in an attempt to please them.
Saying this phrase to yourself may
sound completely wrong. Every ounce of
your being may resist it at first. But
let me ask you, are you afraid to speak up in a crowded room? If so, then why? A person that has their I am and I should on
the same level is impervious to outside interference. Remember the stupid jock back in high
school? Yeah, you know the one, always
leaning back as far as he could in his chair, arms and legs spread wide
open. When this guy got called on, he
never had the slightest idea what the answer was, but he would just say
something irreverent and chuckle, and everyone would accept it with a
smile. Now take the guy who also doesn’t
know the answer, tries so hard, yet worries about being humiliated. When this person attempts to answer without
that confidence, he will be ridiculed by his peers, and thought of as stupid
(his worst fear). Neither one knew the
answer, yet nobody remembers the jock who didn’t even try, they just remember
the guy who got too nervous to think.
People will always shake you if you
can be shaken. Again, it’s not that
they’re bad people, only that human beings are a bit like water, in that water
always finds a way to go down- every crack is a new opportunity for it to
continue to sink to a new depth, because it’s easier. And it is true of humans in like, that we
will do what is absolutely the easiest and most pleasurable course of
action. However, as Tony Robbins states,
“humans will do more to avoid pain than to gain pleasure” as well. Then knowing this, one cannot expect others
to consider your needs without a good reason.
And only you can show them that reason, but it must come from within.
It is my goal not to tell you how to
live your life. Instead, I hope that you
will see some of the personal philosophies that I have discovered to be true in
my own life, and adopt what works for you.
Ideally, there will be a lot more people willing to take risks and give
nods and winks to strangers they approve of.
What I’m saying may sound like the
complete opposite of what is right, but that’s why it’s also called “cognitive
dissonance”. If you feel you are a piece
of shit, yet you tell yourself you are great, the backlash will be a constant
daily struggle with self-worth. Your I
am is saying “I’m a piece of shit” (you can’t consciously change this), while
your I should is really saying “I shouldn’t be a piece of shit”. Only by bringing your expectations down, will
you find contentment. It may feel wrong,
but chances are, what you think is right hasn’t been working. For the first time in my life, I feel love
for myself, and have cured the depression that has taken away most of my
life. There are no magic pills, there
are no quick fixes, there is only you.
Take a chance, love is acceptance.
Love who you are, no matter what that may be, and give yourself
permission to fail. Stake your claim in
this world, and be willing to lose everything.
For when you’re willing to die for what you believe, only then will you
have a life truly worth living.
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