The Paradigm Demurred: Part IV- "I love you. I always have, and I thought..you should know."

Brandon Cho’s family had held a traditional Korean funeral service for him north of King County, just outside of the city. His parents had never been fond of their relationship, being extremely locked into their ancient conventions, and learning only enough English to get by.  Nevertheless, Brandon had disobeyed them, and started seeing Natalie, much to their dismay.
           Natalie had tried to depict what she had seen to Brandon’s parents, thinking they might be the only ones who could make any sense of it.  However, instead of empathizing with her, they seemed to become furious at her.  Brandon’s father implied the circumstances surrounding Brandon’s death may have somehow been Natalie’s fault- a demon sent to punish Brandon for being tempted by a white woman, and straying from the path of Korean virtues.  They had made it quite clear that her presence in the procession was not welcome, and was to be for those of Korean decent only.  Brandon’s sister had been more sympathetic, on the other hand, and related the proceedings to Natalie to keep her in the loop.  The funeral service was a three day event, completely in Korean, and extremely monotonous. All the participants were dressed in black, in the same vain as a typical wake in western cultures.  Friends and relatives came to make donations to help the family in their time of need, and gave them their best wishes.  The thing that surprised Natalie the most was the lack of emotion.  From what she’d heard, Brandon’s parents hadn’t even shed a tear.

Once the final day of services were concluded and Brandon’s family had left, Natalie came to say goodbye in her own way.  Trying to find someone who spoke English was another matter, and took some elaborate gesturing on her part, but eventually she found a groundskeeper that was able to take her to Brandon’s plot. She had to be assured by the groundskeeper that the spot was in fact where Brandon was buried, as the marker had not been placed yet.  To which the old man repeatedly nodded and said “yes, yes” over and over.  A small raised mound of earth indicated where Brandon lay.  She bid the older gentleman farewell, and thanked him for his help.

Natalie sat down on top of the mound- in her mind it was as if she were sitting on Brandon’s lap once more.  She placed the bouquet of lilies she was holding on the ground in front of the otherwise empty gravesite.  They had always been her favorite, and Brandon had given them to her on numerous occasions knowing this.  Finally, she could return the favor.              

“I guess it’s about time I gave you flowers for a change.”

Natalie made up a little conversation with herself, simulating how Brandon would respond if he were alive to receive the gift.

“Surprised?  They’re lilies, just like you always gave me.  Really, they’re you’re favorite too?  Guess we really are alike.”

She was trying to make light of the situation, but it brought only a sad smile to her face.  She knew she couldn’t run away from what was coming next.  Natalie curled herself into a ball, resting her chin on her crossed arms.  As she starred directly at the sunset, tears began to well up in her eyes.  They streamed down her face, and she made no effort to stop them.  She didn’t want to fight it; this was the only way she could ever let go of Brandon.

Natalie remained utterly still as the sun disappeared under the horizon.  In a few more minutes the entire cemetery would be blanketed in near-total darkness.  A few lanterns had begun to shine at the base of the hill, but it was hardly enough light to illuminate the emptiness Natalie felt in her heart, let alone the graveyard.

She stood up and took one last look at the mound.  It seemed so lonely, but at least she had left him something to remember her by- a bouquet and the imprint on the mound where she had been sitting.  At least he wouldn’t get lonely.

“Goodbye Brandon.  I’ll always love you.”  

And with that, Natalie began walking down the lonely path descending the hill.  As she made her way to the entrance, she suddenly realized how chilled it had become.  It was cold, very cold.

 *****************************************************************************************************************************

            It had been two weeks since the death of her boyfriend, Brandon Cho.  Natalie was doing what she could to forget, but despite her best efforts, all the memories she was fighting against kept flooding back into her thoughts.  All of the things they’d shared together, all of the tender moments that only they could know.  Even now Natalie blushed a little thinking about it.    

What good times they’d had!  Even her friends had commented that they were jealous that she had found a stable man with his life so in order.  But even through the veil of the happier memories she was trying to focus on, the darker ones could not be forgotten, persisting to dominate her subconscious. The bizarre circumstances of Brandon’s death could not escape Natalie’s mind.  Her thoughts constantly darted back to the twisted look on her lover’s face, one of pain and terrible trepidation.  His body was all that had remained, a still picture trapped in an unending nightmare.  She had cried herself to sleep thinking about how terrified he must have been for almost a week- Brandon, the man she’d loved.  
           How she wished she could spend even just one more day with Brandon.  Yes, a single day was all she needed to tell him what she couldn't before.  Natalie had never been good at sharing her feelings intimately with anyone; all of her prior relationships had floundered early on, leaving her filled with only mixed-emotions about men.  But Brandon had changed that.  For the first time in her life, she had felt she was in a relationship that was really going somewhere.  She didn’t have to guess what Brandon was thinking, worry too much about how to impress him, or fight to get his attention.  He just seemed to know her, inside and out, and instinctively knew how to make her smile.  Though she didn’t know it then, it had been exactly what she was looking for.   

In the time they had been together, Natalie had never once been able to articulate her feelings for her beau.  When it came to expressing themselves intimately, Natalie had always held back, secretly hoping Brandon would say what she couldn’t.  As their relationship had grown stronger, it had become something of a pink elephant in the room.  Both knew there was something there, but neither spoke of anything.  After seven months, Brandon began getting more and more serious, until finally he had told her softly one night in the park what was on his mind.

“I love you.  I always have, and I thought...you should know.”

It had been the most perfect few seconds Natalie had ever known, yet she had rejected the full intimacy of the moment, instead holding his arm more tightly, and letting him kiss her deeply.  The two did not speak for the remainder of their date, but just sat and held each other until the sun began to rise.  How badly Natalie wanted to reciprocate those words, but she just hadn’t been ready.  She was fearless in all other aspects of her life, so why should returning such a beautiful emotion scare her so?    

Soon after, Brandon began to become nervous.  His coworkers started noticing the change in his behavior, and began avoiding him.  Natalie had tried to ask him what was wrong several times, but would only get the same response saying that he was busy at the bank, and needed some time to himself to catch up on his accounts.  Natalie knew Brandon too well, and felt there was some other reason that he was trying to isolate himself.  He had been trying to tell her something for the last week leading up to the night had which claimed his life, but even he seemed unsure what was trying to relate.  At this point, she could only speculate as to the implication, but her intuition told her that somehow, in some bizarre fashion, Brandon had known he was going to die.

Yes, this was the reality of it- Brandon was dead.  She would never see him again, something that was becoming more apparent with each passing day.  She had said goodbye to him, but still couldn’t let him go.  Deep down, she was aware it was time to accept it and move on, but part of her knew she couldn’t.  All the times she had taken for granted, in the end it was the little things she missed the most.  The small fights they had, only to make up and strengthen their relationship, the way he would hold her hand during a scary movie, or just bring her lunch while she was at work.  She found Brandon’s inadequacies endearing, and his attention to detail complimented her more spontaneous nature.  Now that it was all gone, she could never tell Brandon how she felt about him, and only hoped he could still hear her heartbeat, wherever he was. 

 And there was him…  Letting Brandon fade away from her mind’s eye, Natalie began to see the as an image of Brandon’s killer flashed into her mind. 

“Demur…”

            Natalie whispered his name to herself, feeling her chest clench and tighten.  Her heart began to beat faster as it cried out for revenge.  Even now she could still see those eyes perfectly; the swirled glowing Irises with non-existent pupils.  They were etched into her brain, burned there as if she had starred directly into the sun without blinking.  She would never forget those eyes, no matter how hard she tried.

            A sudden popping noise followed by a faint whine arose from her environment, and broke Natalie’s train of thought.  It seemed the power had inexplicably gone out, leaving the store in a moment of dead silence.  All of the registers had shut down, bringing business to a halt.  One by one, customer voices began to rise, and laugh at the predicament.  Shortly thereafter, the lights began to flicker and brighten- the power having been restored.  There was nothing spectacular about the event, but something about it made Natalie become uneasy, though she couldn’t explain why. 

            “Heeeey!!!”

            A hand waving in front of her face brought her back to what she was doing before the blackout.  Startled and taken aback, Natalie’s eyes tried to focus on the palm waving spastically just inches in front of her face.

            It was Natalie’s roommate, Carol.  She had been living with Natalie since last year, and was one of her best friends in Seattle.  Natalie hadn’t told her what she knew had happened to Brandon, only that she had found him on the floor when she arrived at his apartment.  The official report said he had died of a natural causes, and she didn’t care to elaborate on what she had seen. 

            Little did Carol know that a deep-seeded need for a very personal requital was building within Natalie.  And how could she; she only knew a fraction of the truth.  Natalie’s insides blistered just thinking about it.  If she only knew where to find this Demur…

            “Hey, what?”

            Natalie quipped back at her friend, attempting a faint smile that even a casual acquaintance would have been able to see through.

            “HEEEEEY, you’re not even looking at anything.”

            “Weren’t you paying attention, the power just went out!  What, I should shop in the dark?”

            Carol took out her cell phone.

            “Don’t you have one of these?”

            Carol shined the flashlight of her smart phone at Natalie’s face, causing her to tactfully bat away the hand holding it.  Natalie scoffed, quite prepared to make a full retort to her pushy friend, but something caught her attention from across the room instead. 

A lanky man was standing perfectly still in the middle of the store.  He wore tattered robes, like those of a wandering monk from days long passed.  He was definitely homeless from the decrepit look of his attire, and was completely out of place in a trendy clothing store. Yet somehow, people were walking right passed him without so much as a glance.  From his position, he was directly facing Natalie, but remained totally motionless.  Her field of view obstructed by the several clothing racks between them, Natalie could only make out his upper body, which was completely cloaked by his robes. There was something about him that she didn’t like- a feeling that he shouldn’t be there.  Though his head was facing downward towards the floor, Natalie couldn’t help but feel he was somehow starring directly at her through the hood which obscured his face.   

Shocked, Natalie turned to Carol, and whispered to her closely.

“Since when do hobos shop at Jassie’s?”

Carol looked around, but couldn’t find anyone even remotely matching the description of a vagrant.

“What are you talking about?”

Positive of what she had seen, Natalie attempted to reaffirm herself.  Without looking, Natalie nodded her head slightly to the side.

“That weird guy over there.  He’s starring right at me.”

Again Carol looked around, but it was to no avail.

“I don’t see anybody.”

Puzzled that her friend didn’t immediately notice him, Natalie looked again, but the tattered “monk” was gone.  In a moment of disbelief, Natalie began rapidly surveying the store, trying to find the strange man.  Carol was telling the truth, the ascetic had vanished. 

“Uhhh, nevermind…”

Eager to forget the uncomfortable man, she picked out a sweater on the clearance rack; its price reduced due to the upcoming spring season.  It was of an excellent quality, but even discounted it was still slightly above average for a retail chain.  Though it was to be expected- this was Jassie’s Closet.  All of the clothes were aptly designed by the owner of the boutique, and production was overseen by the artist herself.  As it wasn’t a franchise, she rarely had sales.  When she had discovered this one, Carol had jumped at the opportunity, taking Natalie out shopping in hopes that a little retail therapy was just what she needed to take her mind off of grieving. 

            Natalie sighed, and put the sweater back on the rack.  On another day, she would be far more excited to get a piece of designer clothing for half-price, but she was still feeling disconnected from life.

            “Whoa, that one was perfect, why’d you put it back?!”

            Carol grabbed the sweater, and pulled it off the rack again, holding it to Natalie’s chest.

            “Yeah, this is totally you!”

            Natalie gently pushed it away from her body.

            “Thanks Carol, but I’m just not feeling it.  This is Winter”, Natalie pulled on the woven sleeve, “you know; Spring is almost here…”

            Carol pulled the garment away from Natalie, and held it out to the side objectively.  Both girls starred at it, and Carol put it up to her chest, flattening it to her body with the best of her ability.  She looked down at it and scrunched her bottom lip to the side.  Dismayed, Carol held it out to the side once again. 

            “Well damn, I’d buy it, but I don’t have anything to show off up here.”      

Carol gestured to her bust.

With that, Carol placed the sweater back on the rack, and walked around to the other side.  When she noticed Natalie standing idly with her arms crossed once again, she quickly came over and grabbed her wrist.

“Come on, Nat!  You can mope later!”

            Carol yanked Natalie over to the section of lingerie at the back corner of the store.  It was filled with several types of risqué undergarments- perfect for a woman who wanted to feel herself alluring once more.

            “Let’s find something sexy for you!”

            Carol picked out a lacy underwear combo that was hung together as a set. 

            “Here, try these on.”

            Carol was quite proud of her find.  Natalie, on the other hand, was in no mood to strip down and try on such intimate articles of clothing.

            “Oh, come on Carol.  No…”

            Carol threw another bra into Natalie’s growing pile of unmentionables.

            “Yeah, we’ll have our own fashion show!  Now where’s the…  Oh, right behind you.”

            Carol pointed adjacent of Natalie at the dressing rooms in the back of the store.  Natalie took a deep sigh and gave up denying the moment.  Carol was doing this for her, and she didn’t have to.  Anyway, she was already here, and maybe she’d even find a little smile herself if she went with the flow.

            “Okay, I…  Just hang on a sec.”

            Natalie went back to clearance rack toward the front of the store, and emerged carrying the sweater that Carol had recommended for her initially. She held it up high, so Carol could see she had decided to try it on.  Carol’s eyes beamed with glee and anticipation, and she let out a woop, pumping her fist in the air. 

            Natalie returned to Carol, who was still holding the undergarments she wanted Natalie to try on.

            “Soooo???  What about these?”        

Natalie looked down at the collection she had unwillingly amassed, thanks to Carol’s careful selection.

“Uh, yeah, sure…those too.”

Carol handed the lingerie to Natalie with a sly smile, and the two girls walked towards the changing rooms, each looking at what she was about to try on.  Carol glanced at Natalie holding up the sweater once more.  She was excited that Natalie had decided to try it on.

“That’s gonna look great on you, Nat!”

Natalie turned around, raising the beige turtleneck slightly.

“Ya think?”

“For sure!”

Natalie smiled, and turned around to enter the threshold of the dressing rooms.  As she became forward-facing, something stopped immediately.  The cloaked man was now standing just an inch from her face, seemingly appearing from thin air.  It also seemed he had grown about six inches from before, but that was impossible...wasn’t it?  As before, Natalie felt a strong presence from the man, and became uneasy.

 “Excuse me.”

She looked at the ground trying to avoid eye-contact, and that’s when she noticed his arms…  They were long- longer than any normal humans should have been.  Leathery and grey, they stretched well passed the sleeves of his cloak, the long bony fingers almost touching his knees.  The color and texture of the skin made Natalie think of a corpse that had been dead for some time.  She hadn’t been able to see his full body before, but now that he was standing directly in front of her, she could discern it quite clearly.  This was no hobo, and it certainly wasn’t any monk.  

Natalie felt a panic fill her body that she’d never experienced before.  She dropped the sweater she was carrying, but was too afraid to lose her composure and pick it up.  Natalie had to deal with a very real fact:  whatever was standing in front of her, it wasn’t human.